Have I ever told you, that this entire trip has been like a rollercoaster? I know, I know, cliche analogy...but truly, I can think of no better way to explain. From one moment to the next, one experience to another, God LOOOOOVVVEEESS to keep me guessing. Why on earth would He allow me to think for more than a few moments, that this world is stable and reliable? Silly me...I thought it might be so!
And yet, at the end of 2 weeks of stress, panic, and a horrible ball of fear knotting itself over and over again in my stomach, I can look back and say, this work of God's is good. This time has been more difficult than I could have though I would survive (and friends, although you laugh at what a dramatic character God has given me...it is true, and I know it, deep in my heart of hearts) and yet, to come to the end, (of this loop of the coaster...) I am grateful for yet another chance to grow, to be stretched and strengthened, and learn that there is one, sole object worthy of my entire dependence, and that is Christ.
I discovered last week some news that disrupted my happy existence. Here I was, cheerfully minding my own business in this mountain village called Ooty, where homemade chocolate shops line the streets and the air smells of eucalyptus and tea leaves...content in what was planned for me here. BAM! Slapped in the face with what was, to me, information enough to throw me off my comfortable chaise and into the poop-strewn Indian streets below! Ok, now that I write it, it doesn't sound quite so bad, but at the time, to discover that my flight to Singapore left on the fourteenth....and my flight home to Canada leaves on the 18th.....was more than my fragile emotional state could handle. Wo to me for thinking that the horrifying situation with my visa in Malaysia was the end of my learning to trust in God, to throw my entire weight upon His competence. Now I was again in utter need, having 4 days to waste, no place to stay, no money to spend, and a great fear of getting lost in this world of Asia...where my identity seems quite fragile...
With this news, a depresssion seemed to grab hold of my heart, clinging to me like that one hair on the shower wall that you just can't seem to pick up. To be frank, I am disappointed with myself. Here I am, away from home for 6 and a half months now, all independent and mature. I suppose my pride had bubbled over the successes God has blessed me with on this adventure. I had thought that I was past this stage, this child-like fear that I had hoped I had finished experiencing when I completed that one horrible week at camp, away from my Mommy, when I was 8. Unfortunately.....I'm not. As Paul says in Corinthians, I must still be fed upon spiritual milk, not yet quite capable of chewing on the tough meat that the mature believer struggles through. For I am yet a child, however much I wish my twenty years mean that I am competent and in control; able to face whatever comes. Yet, there is sweet comfort in Christ's words..."the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these"...the little children who need Him so desperately. Well, my need was great.
For a few days I was miserable. I don't even really want to dwell on how I felt, and I can't truly explain it, for I did not feel that it was something I had control over, and yet it held complete power over me...my heart was truly weary. And I just wanted home and my mother's arms...
And so I cried out. Literally, I sent out a Facebook post asking ANYONE who knew ANYONE in Singapore who I could stay with! And God's grace abounded. Again! Praise my Savior who knows what I don't, and has complete power over all that I cannot do. I have never experienced so many, so loving, offerings of hospitality. Friends of friends, relatives I didn't know existed, and every one seeming to shout, "Lauren, God loves you! He is going to take care of you!" and I could only say thank you. My fears were still there, but the reassurance from the Lord that no change of plans, no works of man, no schedules that are imperfect, no fear of mine, is EVER too big for Him to conquer. He saved me.
And now, now things are different. In this discovery of growth as a continuum, not as a race with a finish line, I am once more content. My emotions were still in a bit of an upheaval, even with the news of a wonderful place to stay with a Canadian girl who has welcomed me so warmly, and through our emails, has dubbed me 'like a sister.' However, my Savior gave me the blessing of 3 days at a remote mountain village on the top of the world, with the mists rising over the greenest hills each morning, and an Indian family waiting for me below, serving me more tea than I could possibly drink (my record so far is 4 cups of tea and one of coffee in one day...) and loving me without any conditions. Those days, helping at their daughter's school, exploring into tribal villages, and singing Tamil songs of praise to our Lord were the kind refreshment that gives breathe to ones spirit.
And now the countdown is approaching faster and faster...I have learned to love, more deeply, this land of India, and I know that it has stitched more than a few rows of change upon the tapestry of my character. Only 4 more days in this land. They will be full days, though. Days of laughter and experiences that reach deeper than the happy tingle of emotions, into the soul. On Monday we bus back to Bangalore, fly to Delhi, then bus to Agra early Tuesday morning, to visit that giant of tourist-sights, the Taj Mahal. And then to return the next day, and fly....to the next adventure God has for me...not yet home, but a good place. Hopefully to a time of reflection, where the Lord can teach me how to possibly return to the life that I left, how to fit this new wine into old wineskins without tearing. But by His grace, and in His total sovereignty, I know that through all times, He will keep me under the shadow of His wings.
So long my friends....
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