Somewhere Between Green and Grey

Last year, about this time, in the snowy land of Quebec, I was singing the song "Hurricane" by Jimmy Needham....it goes like this...

"I have built a city here, half with pride and half with fear
I just wanted a safer place to hide, I don't wanna be safe tonight

I need you like a hurricane, thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down, I'm only yours now
I need you like a burnin flame, wildfire untamed
to tear these walls down, I'm only yours now
I'm only yours now...."

it was my cry to my Savior. As I left Bible School I needed Him to break down the protective walls I had around my life and come tearing through, burning up all the parts that were not under submission, total dependence, to Him.

And now back....home, I can look back at this past year and realize, that He did. He answered my call, and the hurricane He sent through my life, my character, my heart, was India. I should say Asia as a whole, but I think that really, India was the place the settled on my heart, half heavy and half light, with memories seared on my spirit, and joys that keep tumbling in spurts of giggles at the most random of moments. It is a blessing for which the rest of my life wouldn't be sufficient if spent in entire praise to God for. And I keep having to remind myself of this, sitting here in the warmth and comfort of home, with memories and tears flooding back, competing to fill my mind with all of the other thoughts of 'life-stuff' that is burgeoning out of new schedules and demands from the next adventure the LORD has me on...but that is getting ahead of myself.

My last days in India were a whirlwind of joy and reunions and further surprises from a God who I've discovered loves and cares for me in big ways and little ways. We traveled back to Bangalore with little mishap (save the filling of more than a few barf-bags on the windy, hairpin-filled, bus ride down the mountains...) and caught our flight to Delhi that evening, choosing the more economical, uncomfortable, and freezing airport to spend the night, rather than a hotel. It was...economical. And I suppose the greatest benefit was that I can now add it to my list of "things I always wanted to do but never had the guts..." Well, now I can glance at those backpackers, snoring in the corner of the airport, sleeping on top of their bags to protect them, and hold my head up high, because I, too, have done that! Thankfully our train to Agra the next morning was more than comfortable and after a refresher morning, we set off to view the beautiful, silent monolith of the Taj Mahal. It was more than impressive, and it's beauty required more than a few glances...rather, I needed to sit and soak it up, bit by bit, until I was no longer overwhelmed. And then, all of a sudden, it was my last dinner. And as these people, who were strangers but 7 months ago, yet had become dear friends, commiserators, and encouragers, with the glue of Christ and all of the crazy situations He led us into...were saying their goodbyes. One last night, and we were on the road back to Delhi....one flat tire, one pon (disgusting, orange-colored Indian tobacco) pick-up (for the driver...not us!), and one hour left till my flight, later, we arrived at the airport. I jumped out and ran for my gate, and thankfully made it in time! And that night I flew from Bangalore.

I left India. Without a proper goodbye, or so it felt. I wanted to cry, to mourn, as I left, but I was trapped. Trapped in that world that is between places, knowing I wasn't yet headed home, not ready to release the flood of relief of leaving the stressful, scary unknown land of Asia, and excited yet to see what God had planned in Singapore. And it was a great blessing. Candis and Dylan were the most amazing hosts, the perfect mix of caring, but giving me my space, wanting to provide for me ANYTHING that I could need, and taking extra time to show me around Singapore a bit. These friends of a friend of a friend, were angels, and yet, they were just superfluous to the even greater blessing God had in store there; a time to reflect. He prepared my heart for this exchange. This switching from scooters to toyotas, monkeys to squirrels, curry to gravy, green to grey....

In that time, I felt released from the guilt that wanted to overwhelm the delight in being home, the pressure to continue overseas, to live as the Indians do. But, as Paul says "to the Gentiles I became like a Gentile, to the Jews I became like a Jew....", and I realized, that to become like a North American does not mean I am giving up being like an Indian, or a Filipino, or an Indonesian...but that I am free in Christ, free to live in any and all cultures, embracing them! Not hiding from their benefits, or their downfalls. I can do this, and remain, uniquely His...part of a culture, a life, that will never need to conform to anything of this world, but does so knowing that it cannot truly affect the heart of what it stands for. Because my heart belongs to Jesus, and it cannot be stolen, tampered with, or conformed. It was a great time in Singapore, to rest, to be built up in the Lord, and to write down what I had learned this past year. All of the things I didn't want to forget. And it paved the way for a reunion with my family and friends that was better than I could have asked for. From the tear-stained first embrace to the giant poster taped to our garage that boldly proclaims to the whole neighborhood, "Welcome Home Lauren!", I felt more than blessed. My family has made me feel so special and loved, that I cannot be sad over what I miss, at least not for too long.

To think that I last left you in a small internet cafe in Ooty (or Ootacamund, for the real traditionals!), seems a bizarre dream; one of those that when you awake, you get a glimpse of it for just a minute, and all you want to do is return to it, you can't really picture what it was, but you just know it was great and it was beautiful and it was where you want to be but can never return. That's how I feel about India right now. It lives on in my quiet heart. In that spot deep down where time and change has wrapped it as it gets harder and harder to recognize. And I'm terrified that the time will come when I will be digging around in my trunk of memories, come across it, and label it: "too complicated," or "treasures better left unopened" because it is just too much, too lovely, too painful, too....

Because, not even a week home, and I have already jumped with two feet into the rushing race of life here, University, job-search, fine arts night, and shopping alike. I have chosen my courses for my Linguistics degree next year, and with great joy, I added the final class to my list, one simply entitled, "Jesus." Things will most definitely be interesting. I am searching for a job for this summer, as well as planning more than one "India night" to shower my friends and family with stories and pictures and souvenirs that will somehow, hopefully, allow them to peek through the window of my experience in Asia. The jet lag went easy on me, and things are slipping right back into routine. Whether I like it or not.

But amidst all this, this emotional confusion, intense happiness, and heartfelt gratefulness, my God is ever-present, ever-loving, and clothing me in His grace. When, already, I feel overwhelmed by all of this "American Dream" that I'm supposed to be living; that the Green Valley students craved to know, I need only read my letter to myself, and be convinced...

"God is so dependable. There is nowhere you can go out of His presence, nothing you fear can He not protect you from, no worry He cannot work out for good...

keep listening for His direction and be ready for change. God has big plans for your life, and you can accept them and love the adventure, or always be disappointed. Remember, India was once an uncertainty....you didn't know if God was really 'calling' you there, but looking back, can you have the smallest doubt that it was His plan?! "Walk in faith.""

So I'm walking. Into the next adventure. With the love of my life, a new, empty page, and a heart filled to the brim with memories and lessons that will never cease to warm and comfort it. How can I thank you, friends, for your faithfulness, support, and encouragement? I cannot repay you, but my Savior can, so may His blessings be showered upon you in abundance. I hope you enjoyed the journey as much as I did.

And it continues...

because here I am again.

At the beginning...

As soon as you think you can fly on your own, you find your wings are made of paper...

Have I ever told you, that this entire trip has been like a rollercoaster? I know, I know, cliche analogy...but truly, I can think of no better way to explain. From one moment to the next, one experience to another, God LOOOOOVVVEEESS to keep me guessing. Why on earth would He allow me to think for more than a few moments, that this world is stable and reliable? Silly me...I thought it might be so!
And yet, at the end of 2 weeks of stress, panic, and a horrible ball of fear knotting itself over and over again in my stomach, I can look back and say, this work of God's is good. This time has been more difficult than I could have though I would survive (and friends, although you laugh at what a dramatic character God has given me...it is true, and I know it, deep in my heart of hearts) and yet, to come to the end, (of this loop of the coaster...) I am grateful for yet another chance to grow, to be stretched and strengthened, and learn that there is one, sole object worthy of my entire dependence, and that is Christ.
I discovered last week some news that disrupted my happy existence. Here I was, cheerfully minding my own business in this mountain village called Ooty, where homemade chocolate shops line the streets and the air smells of eucalyptus and tea leaves...content in what was planned for me here. BAM! Slapped in the face with what was, to me, information enough to throw me off my comfortable chaise and into the poop-strewn Indian streets below! Ok, now that I write it, it doesn't sound quite so bad, but at the time, to discover that my flight to Singapore left on the fourteenth....and my flight home to Canada leaves on the 18th.....was more than my fragile emotional state could handle. Wo to me for thinking that the horrifying situation with my visa in Malaysia was the end of my learning to trust in God, to throw my entire weight upon His competence. Now I was again in utter need, having 4 days to waste, no place to stay, no money to spend, and a great fear of getting lost in this world of Asia...where my identity seems quite fragile...
With this news, a depresssion seemed to grab hold of my heart, clinging to me like that one hair on the shower wall that you just can't seem to pick up. To be frank, I am disappointed with myself. Here I am, away from home for 6 and a half months now, all independent and mature. I suppose my pride had bubbled over the successes God has blessed me with on this adventure. I had thought that I was past this stage, this child-like fear that I had hoped I had finished experiencing when I completed that one horrible week at camp, away from my Mommy, when I was 8. Unfortunately.....I'm not. As Paul says in Corinthians, I must still be fed upon spiritual milk, not yet quite capable of chewing on the tough meat that the mature believer struggles through. For I am yet a child, however much I wish my twenty years mean that I am competent and in control; able to face whatever comes. Yet, there is sweet comfort in Christ's words..."the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these"...the little children who need Him so desperately. Well, my need was great.
For a few days I was miserable. I don't even really want to dwell on how I felt, and I can't truly explain it, for I did not feel that it was something I had control over, and yet it held complete power over me...my heart was truly weary. And I just wanted home and my mother's arms...
And so I cried out. Literally, I sent out a Facebook post asking ANYONE who knew ANYONE in Singapore who I could stay with! And God's grace abounded. Again! Praise my Savior who knows what I don't, and has complete power over all that I cannot do. I have never experienced so many, so loving, offerings of hospitality. Friends of friends, relatives I didn't know existed, and every one seeming to shout, "Lauren, God loves you! He is going to take care of you!" and I could only say thank you. My fears were still there, but the reassurance from the Lord that no change of plans, no works of man, no schedules that are imperfect, no fear of mine, is EVER too big for Him to conquer. He saved me.
And now, now things are different. In this discovery of growth as a continuum, not as a race with a finish line, I am once more content. My emotions were still in a bit of an upheaval, even with the news of a wonderful place to stay with a Canadian girl who has welcomed me so warmly, and through our emails, has dubbed me 'like a sister.' However, my Savior gave me the blessing of 3 days at a remote mountain village on the top of the world, with the mists rising over the greenest hills each morning, and an Indian family waiting for me below, serving me more tea than I could possibly drink (my record so far is 4 cups of tea and one of coffee in one day...) and loving me without any conditions. Those days, helping at their daughter's school, exploring into tribal villages, and singing Tamil songs of praise to our Lord were the kind refreshment that gives breathe to ones spirit.
And now the countdown is approaching faster and faster...I have learned to love, more deeply, this land of India, and I know that it has stitched more than a few rows of change upon the tapestry of my character. Only 4 more days in this land. They will be full days, though. Days of laughter and experiences that reach deeper than the happy tingle of emotions, into the soul. On Monday we bus back to Bangalore, fly to Delhi, then bus to Agra early Tuesday morning, to visit that giant of tourist-sights, the Taj Mahal. And then to return the next day, and fly....to the next adventure God has for me...not yet home, but a good place. Hopefully to a time of reflection, where the Lord can teach me how to possibly return to the life that I left, how to fit this new wine into old wineskins without tearing. But by His grace, and in His total sovereignty, I know that through all times, He will keep me under the shadow of His wings.
So long my friends....